X-Files TV Marathon on January 1st

Be sure to set your Tivo or VCR because cable channel 494 is having an all-day X-Files marathon this Monday on New Years Day. Here's the episode listing:

12:00 AM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by aliens.

1:00 AM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by vampires.

2:00 AM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by bigfoot.

3:00 AM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by werewolves.

4:00 AM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by Chupacabra.

5:00 AM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by zombies.

6:00 AM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by moth man.

7:00 AM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by the Loch Ness Monster.

8:00 AM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by Golem.

9:00 AM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by jackalopes.

10:00 AM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by leprechauns.

11:00 AM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by Jack Frost.

12:00 PM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by Nostradamus.

1:00 PM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by crop circles.

2:00 PM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by Masons.

3:00 PM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by Marfa lights.

4:00 PM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by spontaneous human combustion.

5:00 PM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by pyramids.

6:00 PM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by the Bermuda Triangle.

7:00 PM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by Unicorns.

8:00 PM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by Cancer Man's left lung.

9:00 PM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by the JFK Assassination.

10:00 PM Mulder and Scully Investigate a town terrorized by demon beavers.

11:00 PM Doggett and Reyes Investigate a town terrorized by David Duchovny's contract dispute.

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Twas the Night Before.... (bachelor's version)

Twas the Night Before Saturday And all through his house
The bachelor was lonely With the lack of a spouse

His stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that Laundry fairies Would wash them up there

The bachelor was nestled all snug in his bed
While visions of computer solitaire danced in his head

And the dog in his doghouse and me in my cap
Had just settled down for a one-hour nap

When out in the yard there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my futon to see what’s the matter

Away to the window I flew and I dashed
Tore open the blinds which were wrinkled and mashed

My floodlights reflected the new fallen snow
Gave the luster of midday on my 88 Toyo (ta)

But what to my wondering eyes should appear
Was a miniature van and eight passengeers

With a reckless driver so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it’s my roommate Nick

More rapid than rivers his eight friends they come
And he Whooped and he hollered and called out their names

Hey Donna! Hey Danny! Hey Princess and Victor!
Yo Cody! Yo Cutie! Yo Donny and Brenda!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the siding!
Now drive away! Drive away! Drive away gliding!

As burned toast that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle moon to the sky

So up to my doorstep the group they all flew
With a van full of friends and my roommate Nick, too.

And then like a crashing I heard on the roof
Hoping the shingles weren’t ruined like, “poof!”

As I drew in my head and then turned 180,
Down came my roommate - of course with no lady

He was dressed in some cotton from head to his foot
His clothes were all wrinkled except for his boots

A bundle of clothes he had clung on his back
He looked like a street bum just opening a pack

His eyes - how they’re pinkish, his scars, how they’re scary
His cheeks were all poofy and ears were real hairy

The hair on his head was combed with a stapler
And the stubble on him was coarse as sandpaper

He had a sad face and a big plump belly
That bounced when he snores like a bowl of lime Jell-O

He was chubby and plump - a silly old self
And I cried when I saw him - he’s the same as myself

He let me know I had nothing to dread
He pulled out “Die Hard” - we watched it instead

He spoke not a word but went strait to escape
Filled the VCR, then turned on the tape

And scratching an itch on the side of his nose
And giving a nod out the front door he goes

He sprang to his van, to the gang gave a whistle
And drove away like a misfiring scud missle

And I heard him yell as he sped out of sight
“Merry weekend to all, and then go sleep all night.”

I hope this doesn't hit too close to home for my single friends. I was single when I wrote this, but I was in college and dating. (So it's not really based on personal experience.) Since it was written a few years ago, that's why they had a vcr and not a dvd, but it's not like the guy in the poem is anything other than pathetic.

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The 2006 Last Minute Holiday Shopping Guide

Are there any hard to shop for friends and relatives in your buying plans this year? If so, this 2006 Holiday gift shopping guide is for you. These products won't actually be good gifts for anybody, but you can rest assured that you won't have a dull Christmas.

MySpace Identity Theft Insurance

Identity theft is one of the fastest growing cyber-crimes on MySpace. 9 out of every 10 celebrities have their MySpace Identity stolen. Anyone with a fifth-grade reading level can create a new profile and call that profile whatever they want, and that means they can pretend to be you on MySpace. Anyone with access to the Internet might be able to find a picture of you and add it to their profile. The Life Mutual of Des Plaines Insurance Company has the solution. For only $60 per year, they will monitor MySpace to see if there are any profiles pretending to be you.

A year's supply of replacement protective film

Do you know anybody that refuses to peel off the clear tape that covers the screen on their laptop, cell phone or MP3 player? They do what they can to leave it stuck over the clear plastic lens that covers the LCD, but after a few months, The corner's and edge's adhesiveness starts to wear off and its not long until there's only one line of defense from minor scratches. OpaqueVue Technologies of Nova Scotia has several products for the discerning customer, but we recommend the AR1000 kit. For $39.95, the package contains all the protective film anyone could need, in shapes and sizes for all consumer electronics by all manufacturers. Plus if you scratch your film, or it wears off, there are several more like it in the kit.

Sudoku for Novices Page-a-Day Calendar

Do you know anyone who wishes they were good at Sudoku? They will spend a couple of hours and just can't seem to get it right. Or how about someone who doesn't have the dedication to work on a puzzle for more than about 10 minutes before getting bored? With this new Calendar, everyone can have the satisfaction of fully solving a puzzle 365 times in one year for only $10.95.


Christmas Music Silencer*

Christmas season seems to get longer every year, and next year it will begin around Labor Day. While most people enjoy Christmas, many people don't enjoy Christmas Music. Christmas Music doesn't make up 1/6th of all good music out there, but it gets about 1/6th of Radio airplay and mall Muzak. The NoX 1225 Christmas Music Silencer* slips comfortably over the ears, and when activated removes the sound of Christmas music that seems to be everywhere at this time of year.

*also known as noise canceling headphones

Livestrong Bracelet Flash Drive

Want to show off that you have contributed money to Lance Armstrong's Cancer fighting charity in a practical way while having the ability to transfer files from one computer to another?

Available in 256MB and 512MB

Select ComfortTM Toilet Seat

It something you do every day. Most of them are made out of hard-as-a-rock plastic or wood. If you can find a padded toilet seat, it may be able to meet your needs, but the rest of your family or visitors may not be able to relax. The Poo Number Toilet Seat by Select ComfortTM uses uniquely designed air chambers to provide a gentle cushion of support which can easily be adjusted to your preference for comfort and firmness. Additionally, it allows each user to individually adjust the seat to their precise comfort level. My number is 65.

Gift Certificates to the BrentKMoore blog store!

Available in $25, $50 and $83 denominations. If I sell enough of these, I might actually need to have some actual products available for purchase.

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It's that time of year!

Yes! It's political season! I got my first political spam of the new political season. It might even be someone that I'd vote for if for no other reason than they went to my high school, I think. The loser who sent the spam is:

Buck Dozier - who is running for mayor of Nashville

*************************

Many people register as Republican or Democrat. The Republicans call themselves the "party of Lincoln", which is fitting, because Lincoln's platform included staying the course in Iraq, lower taxes, the privitization of Social Security, and was against stem cell research. John C. Breckinridge was however is favor of creating a national health care system, partial birth abortion, and gay marriage.

In the unlikely event I run for office, maybe I should run as a Federalist, so that I can claim I am from the "Party of Washington."

It's Been Three Weeks: Job Observations

Here is a random scattershot of observations about my new cell phone repair job.

As long as I've been on the production floor, I've been working mostly on Motorola E815s. The Razr is a common phone, too. I have worked on them and they are the most difficult ones there. In training, I saw some standard LG phones, plus some Chocolates and Sidekicks.

The speed limit in the parking lot is 6.

on the 2nd day of training, our trainer said that they kept some alcohol in the locked cabinet behind us. I don't drink, but I thought that this shows the company must be very laid back. It turns out it was isopropyl alcohol, used for cleaning electronics.

One person once found a cell phone with drugs inside. It's considerably more likely to find a phone that was dropped into a toilet. We're not expected to fix those.

Many cell phones have cameraphones. In the last week, I've seen lots of pets and children. Every single camera has a dirty lens when I get it. They all look like they were dragged along the beach. What do you people do to your phones?

For safety reasons, many potentially dangerous things are given warnings in three languages. The red cabinet which store liquids that could catch fire is labeled:
FLAMMABLE
INFLAMABLE
INFLAMMABLE

They put One XBox 360 with one controller in the break room. It's got about 20 games on it but nobody seems to play anything but NBA Ballers.

I was issued my very own splunger! Or at least that's what my trainer called it. I did a google search on that word with no hits. I guess splunger is a better name than plastic pokey thing.
EDIT: I meant Spludger!

In the last year, the company hired a Director of IT security. In his first week on the job, before he had anything to do, he hacked the network and made a printout of everyone's password, which he presented at his first upper management meeting. Now password standards are stricter. I think they have to contain a lower-case consonant, an upper case vowel, a number and a special ASCII character that doesn't appear on the keyboard. My Password is ¡bE7®! to replace qwerty. O.k., I just made the last two sentences up.

We clock in using a hand scanner. That's pretty cool, but if they wanted to be really high tech, they would use retinal scanners instead.

Most pragmatic reason for picking a wedding date goes to: One of my coworkers got married on January 1st so that every anniversary would be a guaranteed day off.

I've noticed that the bathrooms get cleaned daily around 3:45 pm, which is the precisely worst time to do it, since it is between 1st and 2nd shifts - the time that everybody is in the building.

I didn't realize that Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" was a Chamillionaire parody until I found a phone with a "Ridin' Dirty" ringtone. After hearing a bunch of people's ringtones my faith in humainty has been shattered.

All of the Level 3 technicians have big fancy HP Radio spectrometers. I've never seen one actually being used.

Maybe I'll share some more soon...
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B Movies: Showing some love

Maybe you've seen them at Best Buy or on Amazon: Those 12 double sided DVD sets that are 50 packs of old movies and sell for about $15. This makes Christmas buying a little easier (but only for people who don't have the internet and might be reading this). Here are some of the movies included in these various sets. What's not to love?

Creeper
Creepers
Death by Dialogue
Don't look in the Basement
Don't Open 'til Christmas
I Wonder who's Killing Her Now
Jive Turkey
TNT Jackson
The Day the Sky Exploded
Death Warmed Up
Idaho Transfer
Purple Death from Outer Space
They
The Manster
The Last Man on Earth
The Last Woman on Earth
The Limping Man
Please Murder Me
Slightly Honorable
Driller Killer
Dr. Tarr's Torture Dungeon
Silent Night, Bloody Night
Horrors of Spider Island
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (a classic!)
Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter
Devil of the Desert Vs. The Son of Hercules
Death Collector
Door to Door Maniac
Murder Once Removed
The Guy with the Secret Kung Fu
Condemned to Live
The Long Hair of Death
Manos: The Hands of Fate
The Night Evelyn Came out of the Grave
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I don't like Christmas Music and other random thoughts

I like Christmas. I don't like Christmas music. I think it's because it's the same dozen songs redone over and over. (The 12 songs of Christmas, maybe?) The song I hate more than any other is "Santa Baby" by Eartha Kitt, which I managed to hear twice yesterday. It's the evil perfect combination of the things I hate about Christmas Music and the things I hate about sappy music. At least it isn't one of the dozen or so songs that get remade a lot. I suppose I do like Trans-Siberian Orchestra and the Bob Rivers Twisted Tunes.

************

If a bomb goes off in the forest, and nobody is around to be hurt by it, is it still a WMD?

Did the guy who invented the V6 have engine-uity? That's the dumbest thing I've ever written.

Were there any politicians running for office in the last election cycle named Pedro who actually used "Vote for Pedro" T-shirts?

I don't have any brand loyalty regarding deodorant. I think it's for the same reason that farmers practice crop rotation. My current bottle says it's for the kind of guy who still collects baseball cards. Really.

************

The new sign on Adelphia Coliseum:



This was taken on a sunny Friday. I wouldn't be within 5 miles of the stadium on game day.

I'll admit I had never heard of Louisiana Pacific when it was announced they bought the naming rights. My first thought was why would an out-of-state company buy the naming rights. Then I realized that they were a local company, despite Nashville being neither in Louisiana nor near the Pacific. I guess I haven't been looking for homebuilding products lately.
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