Twas the Night Before.... (bachelor's version)
Twas the Night Before Saturday And all through his house
The bachelor was lonely With the lack of a spouse
His stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that Laundry fairies Would wash them up there
The bachelor was nestled all snug in his bed
While visions of computer solitaire danced in his head
And the dog in his doghouse and me in my cap
Had just settled down for a one-hour nap
When out in the yard there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my futon to see what’s the matter
Away to the window I flew and I dashed
Tore open the blinds which were wrinkled and mashed
My floodlights reflected the new fallen snow
Gave the luster of midday on my 88 Toyo (ta)
But what to my wondering eyes should appear
Was a miniature van and eight passengeers
With a reckless driver so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it’s my roommate Nick
More rapid than rivers his eight friends they come
And he Whooped and he hollered and called out their names
Hey Donna! Hey Danny! Hey Princess and Victor!
Yo Cody! Yo Cutie! Yo Donny and Brenda!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the siding!
Now drive away! Drive away! Drive away gliding!
As burned toast that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle moon to the sky
So up to my doorstep the group they all flew
With a van full of friends and my roommate Nick, too.
And then like a crashing I heard on the roof
Hoping the shingles weren’t ruined like, “poof!”
As I drew in my head and then turned 180,
Down came my roommate - of course with no lady
He was dressed in some cotton from head to his foot
His clothes were all wrinkled except for his boots
A bundle of clothes he had clung on his back
He looked like a street bum just opening a pack
His eyes - how they’re pinkish, his scars, how they’re scary
His cheeks were all poofy and ears were real hairy
The hair on his head was combed with a stapler
And the stubble on him was coarse as sandpaper
He had a sad face and a big plump belly
That bounced when he snores like a bowl of lime Jell-O
He was chubby and plump - a silly old self
And I cried when I saw him - he’s the same as myself
He let me know I had nothing to dread
He pulled out “Die Hard” - we watched it instead
He spoke not a word but went strait to escape
Filled the VCR, then turned on the tape
And scratching an itch on the side of his nose
And giving a nod out the front door he goes
He sprang to his van, to the gang gave a whistle
And drove away like a misfiring scud missle
And I heard him yell as he sped out of sight
“Merry weekend to all, and then go sleep all night.”
I hope this doesn't hit too close to home for my single friends. I was single when I wrote this, but I was in college and dating. (So it's not really based on personal experience.) Since it was written a few years ago, that's why they had a vcr and not a dvd, but it's not like the guy in the poem is anything other than pathetic.
The bachelor was lonely With the lack of a spouse
His stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that Laundry fairies Would wash them up there
The bachelor was nestled all snug in his bed
While visions of computer solitaire danced in his head
And the dog in his doghouse and me in my cap
Had just settled down for a one-hour nap
When out in the yard there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my futon to see what’s the matter
Away to the window I flew and I dashed
Tore open the blinds which were wrinkled and mashed
My floodlights reflected the new fallen snow
Gave the luster of midday on my 88 Toyo (ta)
But what to my wondering eyes should appear
Was a miniature van and eight passengeers
With a reckless driver so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it’s my roommate Nick
More rapid than rivers his eight friends they come
And he Whooped and he hollered and called out their names
Hey Donna! Hey Danny! Hey Princess and Victor!
Yo Cody! Yo Cutie! Yo Donny and Brenda!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the siding!
Now drive away! Drive away! Drive away gliding!
As burned toast that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle moon to the sky
So up to my doorstep the group they all flew
With a van full of friends and my roommate Nick, too.
And then like a crashing I heard on the roof
Hoping the shingles weren’t ruined like, “poof!”
As I drew in my head and then turned 180,
Down came my roommate - of course with no lady
He was dressed in some cotton from head to his foot
His clothes were all wrinkled except for his boots
A bundle of clothes he had clung on his back
He looked like a street bum just opening a pack
His eyes - how they’re pinkish, his scars, how they’re scary
His cheeks were all poofy and ears were real hairy
The hair on his head was combed with a stapler
And the stubble on him was coarse as sandpaper
He had a sad face and a big plump belly
That bounced when he snores like a bowl of lime Jell-O
He was chubby and plump - a silly old self
And I cried when I saw him - he’s the same as myself
He let me know I had nothing to dread
He pulled out “Die Hard” - we watched it instead
He spoke not a word but went strait to escape
Filled the VCR, then turned on the tape
And scratching an itch on the side of his nose
And giving a nod out the front door he goes
He sprang to his van, to the gang gave a whistle
And drove away like a misfiring scud missle
And I heard him yell as he sped out of sight
“Merry weekend to all, and then go sleep all night.”
I hope this doesn't hit too close to home for my single friends. I was single when I wrote this, but I was in college and dating. (So it's not really based on personal experience.) Since it was written a few years ago, that's why they had a vcr and not a dvd, but it's not like the guy in the poem is anything other than pathetic.
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posted by BrentKMoore | 1:54 AM
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