2008 Christmas Buying Guide
For those of you out there that wait to the last minute to buy presents, I'm here to help. My advice: Stop what you're doing right now and go to Wal-mart (or the store of your choice) and buy up a bunch of gift cards. Then, come back...this blog will still be here, and read about all the wonderful things you missed out on.
Blu-Ray
The newest movie format is now more popular than ever! Now is your chance to get your friends and family all of the classics in the highest quality available. See films like The Great Train Robbery, Metropolis, Nosferatu and The Phantom of the Opera in the way they were meant to be seen: 1080p High Definition Video with THX-certified 7.1 Channel DTS audio. You can finally throw the upconversion DVD player away!
Another hot seller: The Moment of Truth complete uncut and unabridged first season. Each televised episode was actually cut down from 3 hours of raw footage. Imagine the unbelievable suspense and tension of waiting a whole 10 minutes from the time Mark Walberg asked the question to the contestant until the audience hears the results of the polygraph test.
Economics Silencer
Talk of the recession seems to get worse every day, and next year could very well turn out worse than this one. While most concerned citizens care whether or not they can pay the mortgage and keep their job, many people don't enjoy listening to economic doom and gloom talk all the time. The NoX sp500 Economics Silencer* slips comfortably over the ears, and when activated removes the sound of financial discussion that seems to be everywhere. There is a setting† that will also mute all references to Unemployment, Inflation, the Great Depression or whatever company becomes the next Congressional Bailout‡.
*also known as noise canceling headphones.
†This setting is called "on."
‡The early front-runner is AOL TimeWarner.
Video Games
An early front-runner for the most popular video game this year is "The Biggest Loser." However, this game has nothing to do with the popular Reality TV Show, or anything to do with weight loss in general. In fact, the overall winner of this game goes to the individual in all of the United States that spends the most time playing it.
Other popular games this year:
Hole in the Wall for the Wii (with the additional accessory, the WiiWall.)
The Exxon/Mobil Gouge the Customer game. (with optional Gulf Hurricane expansion pack)
Joe the Plumber 2009
Swim with Michael Phelps
Although not a game, the "Wiible" is a popular Nintendo accessory. Wiibles wobble, but they don't fall down.
Gifts for the Insanely Wealthy:
Do you think your water-bed just isn't as comfortable as it used to be? Wouldn't you sleep a lot better if money was stuffed in your mattress? The Regal Divan company of Montpelier has just the product for you! Filled with 10,000 United States one dollar treasury bills, some are laid one on top of another to provide firm support, while others have been meticulously hand-rolled into coils to provide that sleeping-on-a-cloud feeling that only a smothering of cash can provide. Check out RDMco's newest bed, the "Rolling-in-it 10G"
Show the world that you are light in body fat but heavy in the wallet with the Up-Scale®. Stand on the Up-Scale®'s marble-top platform and a digital readout is projected on the wall using state of the art laserlight technology. Or, if you prefer the spoken word option, the Up-Scale® will tell you your weight using the voice of Joan Rivers. "You look fabulous, Dahling!"
The Opulent Olfactory Group has released their 2008 product line. Their flagship design, "Air of Superiority" not only purifies, oxidizes, dehumidifies and proliferates a steady stream of ions into the air of your room to make it as fresh as a mountain glaze, but it also permeates the room with the choice of four affluent aromas: Antique furniture, Polished heirloom, Maidservant tears and Stinking Rich. Also comes in a royalty edition, "Air to the Throne."
Just for fun (Not that you would actually attach a sticker onto the bumper of your Bentley.)
Books:
The Zodiac Diet by Dr. Niles Acosto, M.D.
The latest and hottest diet to hit Hollywood. Here's an excerpt from the beginning of chapter 7:
As a Capricorn, you are able to overcome life's obstacles but you run the risk of working too hard with not enough play. With this in mind, you should be willing to eat whatever nutrients, vitamins and minerals are necessary to combat the stress that you go through. In this chapter, we will outline the foods you need to intake daily and weekly to make sure you get all you need. Your diet will be high in Ginseng, Guarana, Polysaccharides and Trimethylglycine. The key planet for Capricorn is Saturn, so we will also add to the diet Potassium, Herbal Teas, Rheponticum, Mangosteen. The Key element for Capricorns is Earth, and for this the diet will additionally be high in Goji Berries, Tyrosine and CoEnzyme Q10.
If I Didn't Do it by OJ Simpson
In this fictionalized account, Simpson details what things would have been like if he hadn't committed attempted armed robbery of a sports memorabilia dealer in Las Vegas.
No More Novels...
A comprehensive guide to the best and the worst Harry Potter Internet romantic fanfiction.
Where's Obama?
Based on the popular Where's Waldo series, the goal is to find the new President-Elect in all new artwork depicting his Madcap, Zany adventures! Scenes include Obama's time at a Muslim Madrassa in Indonesia, to him at Rev. Wright's Church in Chicago during a controversial sermon, all the way up to the Illinois Governor Blagojevich scandal. The twist is that you won't actually be able to find Obama in any of these scenes, just like his birth certificate!
Margin of Terror
What happens when you respond to a survey and say you'll vote for the other candidate? Find out in this election year novel, which is part political intrigue, part crime drama in this story of a poll worker who exacts revenge upon the unsuspecting voters.
Profiles in Discourage
When ordinary people do newsworthy things, today's media is able to learn information about them almost instantly by tracking down their MySpace page. This book chronicles all the biography, pictures, and general weirdness about the people you should have never known about such as New York Governor Spitzer's call girl, the guy who named his daughter lolcat, and lonelygirl15.
Sarah Palin Mania
If you were a staunch conservative, 2008 was not a very good year for you, with one exception: the rise of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to the forefront of national consciousness. For all the Palin fans out there, at this point it's just a waiting game for her chance to run again.
Other
Have any friends who are die-hard Tampa Bay Rays fans? I didn't think so, but just in case, there's a limited edition jewel-encrusted, platinum-coated, 24 Karat gold commemorative medallion honoring the team's meteoric rise to win the American League pennant this year. Cost is $2 over the spot price of the metal.
While not a gift in and of itself, have you contemplated what you could do with all those worthless shares of stock from all of the companies that have gone belly-up this year? Pay the postage to have those shares of stock mailed to you, and use them as gift-wrapping paper. It makes for a fun and topical icebreaker this year, while at the same time it explains to your friends and family why all of the presents came from the "everything's a dollar" store.
For the hard-core Elvis Presley fans: a new 2009 series of 12 collectible commemorative plates. The plates will feature several 2009 milestones, such as the 74th anniversary of his birth, the 32nd Anniversary of his death, the 41st Anniversary of his 1968 Comeback special, etc... This just proves that Elvis fans will buy anything.
Did you already buy all of the latest and greatest Hannah Montana toys for your pre-teen daughter? Then, collect the whole set of the other cast of characters: Chucky Kentucky, Claire Delaware, Mary Maryland, Uri Missouri, Bronson Wisconsin, Billy Ray Cyrus.
Do you have any friends or family who enjoy the assembly of circuit boards and want to keep up with the latest electrical component news from around the world, as well as information about "for hire" opportunities. Give them a year's subscription to Solder of Fortune magazine.
Final thoughts:
Would you like to read more gift suggestions? Well, there's always my buying guide from 2007 and 2006, but those suggestions would make terrible gifts, because they were like so last year!
So, a couple of products listed in this guide don't actually exist. (yet.) Sometimes when I am developing thoughts for this blog I come up with a really great idea, only to not be able to use it.
What if there was a product that was a very silly premise, yet at the same time capitalizes on two different trendy themes? That would be comedy gold! An example of this would be something like Dancing with the Stars for the Nintendo Wii! That would be crazy! Nobody in their right mind would make that!
Sigh.
Blu-Ray
The newest movie format is now more popular than ever! Now is your chance to get your friends and family all of the classics in the highest quality available. See films like The Great Train Robbery, Metropolis, Nosferatu and The Phantom of the Opera in the way they were meant to be seen: 1080p High Definition Video with THX-certified 7.1 Channel DTS audio. You can finally throw the upconversion DVD player away!
Another hot seller: The Moment of Truth complete uncut and unabridged first season. Each televised episode was actually cut down from 3 hours of raw footage. Imagine the unbelievable suspense and tension of waiting a whole 10 minutes from the time Mark Walberg asked the question to the contestant until the audience hears the results of the polygraph test.
Economics Silencer
Talk of the recession seems to get worse every day, and next year could very well turn out worse than this one. While most concerned citizens care whether or not they can pay the mortgage and keep their job, many people don't enjoy listening to economic doom and gloom talk all the time. The NoX sp500 Economics Silencer* slips comfortably over the ears, and when activated removes the sound of financial discussion that seems to be everywhere. There is a setting† that will also mute all references to Unemployment, Inflation, the Great Depression or whatever company becomes the next Congressional Bailout‡.
*also known as noise canceling headphones.
†This setting is called "on."
‡The early front-runner is AOL TimeWarner.
Video Games
An early front-runner for the most popular video game this year is "The Biggest Loser." However, this game has nothing to do with the popular Reality TV Show, or anything to do with weight loss in general. In fact, the overall winner of this game goes to the individual in all of the United States that spends the most time playing it.
Other popular games this year:
Hole in the Wall for the Wii (with the additional accessory, the WiiWall.)
The Exxon/Mobil Gouge the Customer game. (with optional Gulf Hurricane expansion pack)
Joe the Plumber 2009
Swim with Michael Phelps
Although not a game, the "Wiible" is a popular Nintendo accessory. Wiibles wobble, but they don't fall down.
Gifts for the Insanely Wealthy:
Do you think your water-bed just isn't as comfortable as it used to be? Wouldn't you sleep a lot better if money was stuffed in your mattress? The Regal Divan company of Montpelier has just the product for you! Filled with 10,000 United States one dollar treasury bills, some are laid one on top of another to provide firm support, while others have been meticulously hand-rolled into coils to provide that sleeping-on-a-cloud feeling that only a smothering of cash can provide. Check out RDMco's newest bed, the "Rolling-in-it 10G"
Show the world that you are light in body fat but heavy in the wallet with the Up-Scale®. Stand on the Up-Scale®'s marble-top platform and a digital readout is projected on the wall using state of the art laserlight technology. Or, if you prefer the spoken word option, the Up-Scale® will tell you your weight using the voice of Joan Rivers. "You look fabulous, Dahling!"
The Opulent Olfactory Group has released their 2008 product line. Their flagship design, "Air of Superiority" not only purifies, oxidizes, dehumidifies and proliferates a steady stream of ions into the air of your room to make it as fresh as a mountain glaze, but it also permeates the room with the choice of four affluent aromas: Antique furniture, Polished heirloom, Maidservant tears and Stinking Rich. Also comes in a royalty edition, "Air to the Throne."
Just for fun (Not that you would actually attach a sticker onto the bumper of your Bentley.)
Books:
The Zodiac Diet by Dr. Niles Acosto, M.D.
The latest and hottest diet to hit Hollywood. Here's an excerpt from the beginning of chapter 7:
As a Capricorn, you are able to overcome life's obstacles but you run the risk of working too hard with not enough play. With this in mind, you should be willing to eat whatever nutrients, vitamins and minerals are necessary to combat the stress that you go through. In this chapter, we will outline the foods you need to intake daily and weekly to make sure you get all you need. Your diet will be high in Ginseng, Guarana, Polysaccharides and Trimethylglycine. The key planet for Capricorn is Saturn, so we will also add to the diet Potassium, Herbal Teas, Rheponticum, Mangosteen. The Key element for Capricorns is Earth, and for this the diet will additionally be high in Goji Berries, Tyrosine and CoEnzyme Q10.
If I Didn't Do it by OJ Simpson
In this fictionalized account, Simpson details what things would have been like if he hadn't committed attempted armed robbery of a sports memorabilia dealer in Las Vegas.
No More Novels...
A comprehensive guide to the best and the worst Harry Potter Internet romantic fanfiction.
Where's Obama?
Based on the popular Where's Waldo series, the goal is to find the new President-Elect in all new artwork depicting his Madcap, Zany adventures! Scenes include Obama's time at a Muslim Madrassa in Indonesia, to him at Rev. Wright's Church in Chicago during a controversial sermon, all the way up to the Illinois Governor Blagojevich scandal. The twist is that you won't actually be able to find Obama in any of these scenes, just like his birth certificate!
Margin of Terror
What happens when you respond to a survey and say you'll vote for the other candidate? Find out in this election year novel, which is part political intrigue, part crime drama in this story of a poll worker who exacts revenge upon the unsuspecting voters.
Profiles in Discourage
When ordinary people do newsworthy things, today's media is able to learn information about them almost instantly by tracking down their MySpace page. This book chronicles all the biography, pictures, and general weirdness about the people you should have never known about such as New York Governor Spitzer's call girl, the guy who named his daughter lolcat, and lonelygirl15.
Sarah Palin Mania
If you were a staunch conservative, 2008 was not a very good year for you, with one exception: the rise of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to the forefront of national consciousness. For all the Palin fans out there, at this point it's just a waiting game for her chance to run again.
Other
Have any friends who are die-hard Tampa Bay Rays fans? I didn't think so, but just in case, there's a limited edition jewel-encrusted, platinum-coated, 24 Karat gold commemorative medallion honoring the team's meteoric rise to win the American League pennant this year. Cost is $2 over the spot price of the metal.
While not a gift in and of itself, have you contemplated what you could do with all those worthless shares of stock from all of the companies that have gone belly-up this year? Pay the postage to have those shares of stock mailed to you, and use them as gift-wrapping paper. It makes for a fun and topical icebreaker this year, while at the same time it explains to your friends and family why all of the presents came from the "everything's a dollar" store.
For the hard-core Elvis Presley fans: a new 2009 series of 12 collectible commemorative plates. The plates will feature several 2009 milestones, such as the 74th anniversary of his birth, the 32nd Anniversary of his death, the 41st Anniversary of his 1968 Comeback special, etc... This just proves that Elvis fans will buy anything.
Did you already buy all of the latest and greatest Hannah Montana toys for your pre-teen daughter? Then, collect the whole set of the other cast of characters: Chucky Kentucky, Claire Delaware, Mary Maryland, Uri Missouri, Bronson Wisconsin, Billy Ray Cyrus.
Do you have any friends or family who enjoy the assembly of circuit boards and want to keep up with the latest electrical component news from around the world, as well as information about "for hire" opportunities. Give them a year's subscription to Solder of Fortune magazine.
Final thoughts:
Would you like to read more gift suggestions? Well, there's always my buying guide from 2007 and 2006, but those suggestions would make terrible gifts, because they were like so last year!
So, a couple of products listed in this guide don't actually exist. (yet.) Sometimes when I am developing thoughts for this blog I come up with a really great idea, only to not be able to use it.
What if there was a product that was a very silly premise, yet at the same time capitalizes on two different trendy themes? That would be comedy gold! An example of this would be something like Dancing with the Stars for the Nintendo Wii! That would be crazy! Nobody in their right mind would make that!
Sigh.
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