Back to Work Random Thoughts

Recently, I went on a vacation that kept me away from work for over a week. While I was on vacation, I injured myself in a way that kept me away from work for another week after the vacation was over. On Monday, I went back to work after being off for 19 days, and on this day I had forgotten that I am supposed to shut off my brain when I go to my job, because thinking just makes the day last longer. I'll share some of the thoughts that were going through my brain during this time in this blog post.

While I'm not completely certain what caused my injury, I think I have a good idea. My wife and I were staying in a group lodge with an air hockey table. I was playing against my wife and the puck flew off the table and bounced off the back of my hand. Two days later, that spot began to swell.

As an overweight computer nerd who was never tough enough to play football, athletic enough to play basketball or coordinated enough to play baseball, I can finally add this to my life's resume': A SPORTS INJURY! I suppose you could claim that air hockey is about the lamest "sport" that one could injure themselves playing. (It's just sad if you can get hurt playing something you'd find a chuck-e-cheeze's, like getting a shoulder injury from skeeball, or a hurt wrist from playing the pop-a-shot.) I prefer to think of it as very manly. I'm willing to risk life and limb to acheive victory, nothing will stand in my way, I will be proven victorious in the battle of the air hockey arena. If we're playing pocket billiards, watch out! I'm playing to win and I will take you down.

When I made it back home from vacation, I went to see my sports medicine doctor. I say that like I had a sports medicine doctor. I really opened up the yellow pages, and picked someone at random who happens to be 5 minutes from my house. Most hand doctors are orthopedists, and most orthopedists operate out of an clinic with "sports medicine" in the title. So, I went to visit my Sports Medicine doctor, and while I was in the waiting room of the sports medicine clinic, I saw that it was me and 5 elderly people with bad hips.

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Results of today's political tracking poll: If the Presidential election were held today, 97% of respondants would be confused, because they're not aware that anyone was running yet. 3% unsure.

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wonders if knife-improvement researchers think they're working with cutting edge technology.

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All the kings men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again because All the King's Horses had the first crack at it. The lack of opposable thumbs just made things worse. At least to be rewarded for their trouble, the King's men were given breakfast omelets.

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How much wood could Chuck Norris chuck if Chuck Norris could chuck wood?

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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was in a wood chucking union?

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Yesterday, I went to the break room and I noticed a problem with the drink vending machine. Someone paid for an apple juice, which fell off the top row, and half-way down got wedged inexplicably between the row of diet Pepsi and the glass. (side note: is the plural of Pepsi still Pepsi? Pepsis sounds weird.) The apple juice was stuck in a way that looked very easy to un-stick, but it also looks like it shouldn't have gotten caught where it did in the first place.

When seeing this, I was faced with a choice, or a gamble. I could buy an apple juice and hope it dislodges the other one and hope they both fall down together and I'd get a free one. The other possibility is that my apple juice would fall on the other apple juice and be held by the same bond as the first one and I'd lose my money. I call this Vending Roulette.

In the end, I decided I'd feel guilty if I got someone else's apple juice, even if I didn't know who they were. They work where I work, so they can't be rich. To ease my conscience, I bought a Mountain Dew off the bottom row and by some fluke, it got stuck. Hmpf.

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If Freezer Queen was the monarch in my freezer, she would be overthrown.

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I go against conventional wisdom every time I buy eggs at the grocery store. I put the entire dozen of eggs in one shopping basket.

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Did you hear the joke about the used car salesman, the octopus and the Mac? I didn't either, but I bet it's really funny.

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You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you. That would also make you a psychic, a mind-reader, and accurate.

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Send you're loved ones to Pilcrow Meadows: The Assisted Living Facilty for retired proofreaders.

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In the bookstore, I saw a book about things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School. I jotted down a quick list of fiduciary topics that I suppose aren't taught in Harvard's Business School:

ⓍAmway
ⓍInvesting in collectible beer cans
ⓍGambling on cockfighting
ⓍHow to spill coffee on your lap and sue
ⓍBeating the game show "Press Your Luck"
ⓍSelling diet pills on Ebay
ⓍGetting a free Ipod by completing a few offers from our sponsors
ⓍCheck kiting
ⓍLocation! Location! Location! relating to panhandling
ⓍAuctioning off your virginity

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"The dog ate my homework" would be a valid excuse if the course was "cooking" and the assignment was "bacon."

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This fall on ABC: Detective Mike Rockmanor is a different kind of cop. He takes orders from no one and plays by his own rules.

Specifically, his rules are a modified version of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons version 3.5. Watch "Detective Dungeon Master" Fridays at 7:00.

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